"Aq rasa nak lemaskan diri aq dalam air..."
"I've thought of overdosing myself.."
These are the words i heard from my own circle of friends. At first, as many people will do, when hearing those statement, my reaction was "Why?? Why you wanna do that?". Then, I will try to avoid them. For me, I realize they are not emotionally stable people, and those negativity will affect me. So, i try to not to talk or avoid the topic with them. Heck, i even feel that i dont want to be friend with them also.
One day,
while scrolling twitter,
I was shocked upon hearing the news of one of Shinee's member passed away.
https://www.allkpop.com/article/2017/12/shinees-jonghyun-found-dead
Above article says that the caused of death was due to carbon monoxide poisoning,
nope, the cause of death is due to depression.
Yes, I'm a kpop fan. Been a fan since i was 12.
So, i was shocked and sad upon hearing the news.
Then it hit me,
Depression is a serious matter.
So i started reading articles about depression and suicide. But even then, i still didnt understand what depression really is. I thought people who commit suicide is selfish. They rather took their own life and let their family&friends suffers, rather than being with them in ups and downs. And seeing how broken other shinee's members (minho, key, taemin, onew) are, I kinda resent jonghyun for what he did. But still, based on what i read, i know that depression is a serious matter and i started to realize that there are friends around me that actually struggle with it. So, I started to approach this one friend that i know dealing with depression.
I was contemplating on how to approach that friend actually. Because based on what i read, those depression stuff are heavy and not easy to deal with. I know I was setting myself into troubles. But i build my courage, because i know, that friend needs it.
So, I just sent a text,
me: "hey, are you okay?"
friend: "always okay"
me: "so.... i just read an article about a kpop artist who passed away because of suicide... andddd.... i kinda worried about you"
friend: *tries to call me*
me: *didn't pick up*
me: *sent text* "honestly, i dont like talking on the phone"
I lied actually. I was scared at that time, to hear on what my friend going to say. Afraid to hear the story. Or maybe, i was just not ready that time. So, we just continue texting, but didnt really talk about the depression. My friend just thanked me.
As times goes by, I started to open up, and my friend also starts to open up about the depression.
But as i still didnt understand yet, there are things that i mistakenly said to my friend.
"why you feel that way? you should not feel that way."
I still remember that look my friend have when telling me the depression story. That eyes, was full of sorrow and grief. We were driving that night, and as i looked at my friend's face, I can see the tiredness. Then later that night, i was watching another Kpop video. It was Super TV. Super Junior members are having variety shows program, and there's one episode where the leader (Leeteuk), met a doctor and bawling his eyes out talking about his struggle and loneliness. He struggled a lot. His parent divorced when he was young. His father have a lot of debt, kill his grandparents and then commit suicide. He is stuck with his father's debt and as the only son, it was his responsibility to settle it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6RChcgN2Eo
Then it hit me.
It is not that i never felt lonely before. We all have. As a human, there must be time when you felt lonely and helpless right?
Imagine that, but multiple it 10 times. That's how depressed people felt when depression hits them.
When i started to understand that feelings, after watching that video, i cried a lot that night.
I imagine it must be really really hard for them.
So i started to empathized more with my friend. and tried to listen to them without judging them. Sometimes i did throw some remarks here and there, not sure if its the right thing or not, but i will always emphasize that i care for them.
But there's time also, when the negativity are too much, and I dont really know what to say.
So, i just hold their hands or stroke their backs, and just listen to their story.
I was trying to be a good listener, because based on what i've read, that's all what they need sometime.
Someone who listen, someone who REALLY just LISTEN.
Listening is a skill that everyone should learn.
Depressed people cannot just shake it off when the depression hits them.
There's one article i read, she says that it felt like there's a 200 pound gorillas at her back.
All those routine jobs or chores that they usually have no problem doing it, felt really heavy and they are overwhelmed with negativity that makes it hard to even survive that day.
So, imagine that.
Sometimes, i do try to create awareness among my friends. Asking what they know about depression. Some tells me that they understand, but when i asked more, i know that they didnt.
One friend tell me, "they are depressed because they are not doing things that they like in life!"
Well, jonghyun loves being a singer.
avicii loves being a DJ and touring all over the world.
Kate Spade loves being a designer.
All of them, have the wealth, family and fans, but it still didnt stop them from committing suicide.
"if that's the case, then they are not really doing what they like!"
Avicii stopped touring. And started to focus on his family. If he didnt like being a DJ, he already stopped. So he's not doing what he didnt like right? So why he commit suicide after stopped being a DJ then?
"maybe he felt empty after stop touring and still finding what he really like!"
see, thats the problem right? that emptiness that he felt. so it is not about doing what you like or didnt like either. Its the emptiness. Its a disease. That is the negative feeling that needed to be treated.
I dont blame the people who didnt understand about the depression. I was once like them. I think i'm worse than them. I did tell previously that i feel like i wanna run away from depressed people right?
But i know that it is not easy to deal with depressed people. Believe me, once you kept listening to their stories, their negativity will starts to affect you too. Everytime i listened to my friend story, i will start crying and sometimes sobbing. For someone who have sponge-like emotion, i will take in their emotions, confused it with mine, and tried to flush out that emotion from my system. It was hard. I will feel tired and usually i will tell my friend that i need 2 days to recover from those heavy emotion.
The things about dealing with depressed people is, you NEED to take care of yourself FIRST. always remember, that their emotion is theirs, not yours. you can listen, empathized, but they are still the one who needs to overcome the negativity on their own. Yup, i learnt that the hard way. I once had a headache, as my depressed friend was really struggling a lot that week and pouring all the negative emotions on me continuously. I didnt really have time to recover and seems like 2 days was not enough. So, i talked it out with my depressed friend on whats bothering me, and the headache slowly disappear. We should talked about this thing and make them aware that as much as we care for them, it was affecting us too.
So far, that is my only experience in dealing with my depressed friend. I was only trying to create awareness so that more people can understand on the severity of this issue. If it was a physical wound, people can see and treat it accordingly. But if its a emotional wound, people will only tell "it was just in your head, shake it off!". Well, try to tell that to a cancer patient, "it was just a cell attacking your body, tell your cell to walk it off!".
Its time to start put equal measure on mental health and physical health. The world will be a better place if people starts to understand each other's struggle and empathized more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2hc2FLOdhI
Once I started to understand depression, I am more aware on people around me that I can see having the symptoms. So i started to reach out more. But i know, they need professional help. I tried to always talk them into getting a professional help. sometimes they are afraid as it was not a norm in our society admitting you have a mental problem. Thats where our role take place. to be more understanding. to not judge them. to be more compassionate.
thats all for my entry today. As for my friend that are struggling with depression, i will always hope that you keep fighting it. It was hard, i know, but i'm trying here to create awareness, and i want u to keep trying too. Let's do this together, Okay?
